When The Heart Speaks . . .

I’m ashamed.

I share this with you not as some catharsis or intent to absolve what I’m feeling…just that I need to share it.

Recently on one early Sunday morning I was exiting my local Vons store after picking up a Starbucks coffee. I saw an elderly man holding a War Veteran’s sign with a bucket in front of him and smiled at him as I passed. Not an uncommon sight to see people looking for donations there. As I walked toward my car I felt a pang in my belly about not giving anything to him. I had a few—actually twelve—dollars in my pocket and as I reached my car decided to go back and donate some money. Was I feeling guilt?...somewhat, yeah. I went back and gave him the two singles I had and returned to my car.

As I drove off I felt horrible. Why hadn’t I given him everything in my pocket? How can I be so blessed in life and be so stingy towards the hurting and needy?

My convicting revelation during my drive home was that none of what I was feeling had to do with money. God didn’t give a hoot about my possessions, that veteran’s possessions, or anyone else’s quite frankly. God can provide whatever He wants to anyone He wants at any time if it is His will. I should have given from my heart and not my guilt-ridden emotion of obligation. The truth is…I could have given that man two thousand dollars instead of two and it would not have made a difference in God’s eyes. If I’m not giving from the heart, I shouldn’t be giving...period.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me with the stark realization that I need to be in tune with my actions and the motives underlying those actions.

In Luke 21 there is a very humbling event:

1 As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. 2 He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. 3 “Truly I tell you,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. 4 All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

I am ashamed that I gave out of my wealth…and not a very proportionate amount at that. I am ashamed that I see myself as different than others based on my circumstances. God has chosen to bless me while allowing others to struggle, yet He doesn’t see us any different at all. We are all His creation—His precious creation—and who ends up blessed and who ends up poor or sick or abused are all temporary, worldly circumstances that the Lord holds in His hands for just a moment in time. His plan is greater and grander than any of us can fathom and I am ashamed that I actually take stock in thinking I see things for how they are.

This painful insight has me now on my knees in both shame and humble prayer. The truth is...God doesn’t want any of us to feel shame; rather He wants us to surrender our misplaced human intentions into His sovereign hands. We need to allow our ears to hear God’s words; allow our eyes to see God’s vision; allow our hearts to feel with the empathy God has built in to each one of us.

I know I will continue to stumble through life with wrong deeds and motivations; but I have purposed myself to seek God’s grace and to be open to His direction more each day. I pray for every one of us to be instruments for God’s purposes and not just the recipients of His good gifts.

I don’t really have the answer to the shame I’m feeling other than to say, I thank my heavenly Father that His grace transcends all the errors of my ways and I’ll now humble myself to that grace more than ever.

Greg Morton
© December 2010

To view a printable copy of this commentary click here